"Kosher" Sex
Editor's Note:
This page addresses issues of Jewish
law that may not be appropriate for younger
readers. In places, it discusses sexual
behavior in plain and frank terms. Please
exercise appropriate discretion. This article is written from an Orthodox perspective
on the topic.
- Attitudes Toward Sexuality
- Niddah: Laws of Separation
- Birth Control
- Abortion in Judaism
- Promiscuity & Pre-Marital Sex
- Masturbation
Attitudes Toward Sexuality
In Jewish
law, sex is not considered shameful,
sinful or obscene. Sex is not a necessary
evil for the sole purpose of procreation.
Although sexual desire comes from the yetzer
ra (the evil impulse), it is no more
evil than hunger or thirst, which also
come from the yetzer ra. Like hunger,
thirst or other basic instincts, sexual
desire must be controlled and channeled,
satisfied at the proper time, place and
manner. But when sexual desire is satisfied
between a husband and wife at the proper
time, out of mutual love and desire, sex
is a mitzvah.
Sex is permissible only
within the context of a marriage.
In Judaism, sex is not merely a way of experiencing
physical pleasure. It is an act of immense
significance, which requires commitment and
responsibility. The requirement of marriage
before sex ensures that sense commitment
and responsibility. Jewish law also forbids
sexual contact short of intercourse outside
of the context of marriage, recognizing that
such contact will inevitably lead to intercourse.
The primary purpose of
sex is to reinforce the loving marital bond
between husband and wife. The first and foremost
purpose of marriage is
companionship, and sexual relations play
an important role. Procreation is also a
reason for sex, but it is not the only reason.
Sex between husband and wife is permitted
(even recommended) at times when conception
is impossible, such as when the woman is
pregnant, after menopause, or when the woman
is using a permissible form of contraception.
In the Torah,
the word used for sex between husband and
wife comes from the root Dalet-Ayin-Tav, meaning
"to know," which vividly illustrates that
proper Jewish sexuality involves both the heart and
mind, not merely the body.
Nevertheless, Judaism does
not ignore the physical component of sexuality.
The need for physical compatibility between
husband and wife is recognized in Jewish
law. A Jewish couple must meet at least once
before the marriage,
and if either prospective spouse finds the
other physically repulsive, the marriage
is forbidden.
Sex should only be experienced
in a time of joy. Sex for selfish personal
satisfaction, without regard for the partner's
pleasure, is wrong and evil. A man may never
force his wife to have sex. A couple may
not have sexual relations while drunk or
quarreling. Sex may never be used as a weapon
against a spouse, either by depriving the
spouse of sex or by compelling it. It is
a serious offense to use sex (or lack thereof)
to punish or manipulate a spouse.
Sex is the woman's right,
not the man's. A man has a duty to give his
wife sex regularly and to ensure that sex
is pleasurable for her. He is also obligated
to watch for signs that his wife wants sex,
and to offer it to her without her asking
for it. The woman's right to sexual intercourse
is referred to as onah, and is one
of a wife's three basic rights (the others
are food and clothing), which a husband may
not reduce. The Talmud specifies
both the quantity and quality of sex that
a man must give his wife. It specifies the
frequency of sexual obligation based on the
husband's occupation, although this obligation
can be modified in the ketubah (marriage
contract). A man may not take a vow to abstain
from sex for an extended period of time,
and may not take a journey for an extended
period of time, because that would deprive
his wife of sexual relations. In addition,
a husband's consistent refusal to engage
in sexual relations is grounds for compelling
a man to divorce his
wife, even if the couple has already fulfilled
the halakhic obligation
to procreate.
Although sex is the woman's
right, she does not have absolute discretion
to withhold it from her husband. A woman
may not withhold sex from her husband as
a form of punishment, and if she does, the
husband may divorce her without paying the
substantial divorce settlement provided for
in the ketubah.
Although some sources take
a more narrow view, the general view of halakhah is
that any sexual act that does not involve sh'chatat
zerah (destruction of seed, that is,
ejaculation outside the vagina) is permissible.
As one passage in the Talmud states, "a
man may do whatever he pleases with his wife." In
fact, there are passages in the Talmud that
encourage foreplay to arouse the woman.
Niddah: The Laws of Separation
One of the most mysterious
areas of Jewish sexual practices is the law
of niddah, separation of husband and
wife during the woman's menstrual period.
These laws are also known as taharat ha-mishpachah, family
purity. Few people outside of the Orthodox community
are even aware that these laws exist, which
is unfortunate, because these laws provide
many undeniable benefits. The laws of niddah are
not deliberately kept secret; they are simply
unknown because most non-Orthodox Jews do
not continue their religious education beyond bar
mitzvah, and these laws address subjects
that are not really suitable for discussion
with children under the age of 13.
According to the Torah,
a man is forbidden from having sexual intercourse
with a niddah, that is, a menstruating
woman. The law of niddah is the only law
of ritual purity that continues to be observed
to day. At one time, a large portion of Jewish
law revolved around questions of ritual purity
and impurity. All of the other laws had significance
in the time of the Temple,
but are not applicable today.
The time of separation
begins at the first sign of blood and ends
in the evening of the woman's seventh "clean
day." This separation lasts a minimum
of 12 days. The rabbis broadened
this prohibition, maintaining that a man
may not even touch his wife or sleep in the
same bed as her during this time. Weddings must
be scheduled carefully, so that the woman
is not in a state of niddah on her
wedding night.
At the end of the period
of niddah, as soon as possible after
nightfall after the seventh clean day, the
woman must immerse herself in a kosher mikvah, a
ritual pool. The mikvah was traditionally
used to cleanse a person of various forms
of ritual impurity. Today, it is used almost
exclusively for this purpose and as part
of the ritual of conversion.
It is important to note that the purpose
of the mikvah is solely ritual purification,
not physical cleanliness; in fact, immersion
in the mikvah is not valid unless
the woman is thoroughly bathed before immersion.
The mikvah is such an important part
of traditional Jewish ritual life that a
new community will build a mikvah before
they build a synagogue.
The Torah does
not specify the reason for the laws of niddah, but
this period of abstention has both physical
and psychological benefits.
The fertility benefits
of this practice are obvious and undeniable.
In fact, it is remarkable how closely these
laws parallel the advice given by medical
professionals today. When couples are having
trouble conceiving, modern medical professionals
routinely advise them to abstain from sex
during the two weeks around a woman's period
(to increase the man's sperm count at a time
when conception is not possible), and to
have sex on alternate nights during the remaining
two weeks.
In addition, women who
have sexual intercourse during their menstrual
period are more vulnerable to a variety of
vaginal infections, as well as increased
risk of cervical cancer.
But the benefits that the rabbis have
always emphasized are the psychological ones,
not the physical ones. The rabbis noted that
a two-week period of abstention every month
forces a couple to build a non-sexual bond
as well as a sexual one. It helps to build
the couple's desire for one another, making
intercourse in the remaining two weeks more
special. It also gives both partners a chance
to rest, without feeling sexually inadequate.
They also emphasized the value of self-discipline
in a drive as fundamental as the sexual drive.
Birth Control
In principle, birth control
is permitted, so long as the couple is committed
to eventually fulfilling the mitzvah to
be fruitful and multiply (which, at a minimum,
consists of having two children, one of each
gender).
The issue in birth control
is not whether it is permitted, but what
method is permitted. It is well-established
that methods that destroy the seed or block
the passage of the seed are not permitted,
thus condoms are not permitted for birth
control. However, the pill is well-recognized
as an acceptable form of birth control under Jewish
law. I have also heard some say that
a condom would be permitted under Jewish
law to prevent the transmission of AIDS or
similar diseases, because preserving the
life of the uninfected spouse takes priority;
however, I am not certain how authoritative
this view is. If this is an issue for you,
you should consult a competent rabbinic authority.
Abortion in Judaism
Jewish
law not only permits, but in some circumstances requires abortion.
Where the mother's life is in jeopardy
because of the unborn child, abortion is
mandatory.
An unborn child has the
status of "potential human life" until
the majority of the body has emerged from
the mother. Potential human life is valuable,
and may not be terminated casually, but it
does not have as much value as a life in
existence. The Talmud makes
no bones about this: it says quite bluntly
that if the fetus threatens the life of the
mother, you cut it up within her body and
remove it limb by limb if necessary, because
its life is not as valuable as hers. But
once the greater part of the body has emerged,
you cannot take its life to save the mother's,
because you cannot choose between one human
life and another.
Promiscuity & Pre-Marital Sex
Many people are surprised
to learn that the Torah does
not prohibit premarital sex. I challenge
you to find any passage in the Jewish scriptures
that forbits a man from having consensual
sexual relations with any woman he could
legally marry.
It's just not there!
Nor is there any passage
that requires a man to marry a woman after
having consensual sexual relations with her.
The passage forcing a man to marry the woman
deals with rape (the man seizes her). It
says nothing about consensual relations.
Some say that consensual sexual relations
create a common law marriage, which can only
be dissolved through divorce,
though the law on this point is not clear.
This is not to suggest
that Judaism approves of pre-marital sex
or promiscuity. Quite the contrary: traditional
Judaism strongly condemns the irresponsibility
of sex outside of marriage. It is considered
to be improper and immoral, even though it
is not technically a sin. In fact, to prevent
such relations, Jewish law prohibits an unmarried,
unrelated man and woman from being alone
long enough to have sexual relations. But
these laws come from the Talmud and
the Shulchan Aruch, not from the Torah.
Masturbation
Jewish law clearly prohibits
male masturbation. This law is derived from
the story of Onan (Gen. 38:8-10), who practiced
coitus interruptus as a means of birth control
to avoid fathering a child for his deceased
brother. G-d killed
Onan for this sin. Although Onan's act was
not truly masturbation, Jewish law takes
a very broad view of the acts prohibited
by this passage, and forbids any act of ha-sh'cha'tat
zerah (destruction of the seed), that is,
ejaculation outside of the vagina. In fact,
the prohibition is so strict that one passage
in the Talmud states, "in
the case of a man, the hand that reaches
below the navel should be chopped off." (Niddah
13a)
The issue is somewhat less
clear for women. Obviously, spilling the
seed is not going to happen in female masturbation,
and there is no explicit Torah prohibition
against female masturbation. Nevertheless,
Judaism generally frowns upon female masterbation
as "impure thoughts."
Sources: Judaism 101
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